I sit at my computer. One of my kitties, Kate, lays on her back on my lap. I pause and rub her belly. My other kitty, Luc, lays behind me, pressing his paws into my back. I sit on the edge of my chair. I sit on the edge, fearful, not knowing what to write. It's the same fear I felt the first time I walked into the Bikram studio. That was almost three years ago in May. I had just moved into the area, and had driven past several times. Finally I mustered the courage to walk in. Two teachers were at the front desk. I can't remember who. I looked at some yoga gear, glanced at a book, picked up a schedule, and dashed out. Breathless. Heart beating. Jittery. I sat in my car and thought, "What am I doing?" Ten years ago I'd had a traumatic surgery that resulted in a groin and hip injury. I decided to try Bikram yoga then, and it only exacerbated the problem. I wasn't ready, so I drove away.
Then May turned into June. And July and August. I had my first Texas summer, and oh la la! I thought I was going to melt away! I was a West Coast gal. Used to ocean breezes and spending lots of time outside in the summer. In the Texas heat I was warping into something I never imagined I'd become. An indoor cat! I could no longer run because of the hip injury and I needed an outlet.
I walked back into the studio seven months later. Stacey was at the front desk. I talked about experiencing my first Texas summer and she said, "The yoga will help you adjust to the heat." She stood behind the counter between the Emergen-C and the sign-in sheet. I looked through the window where a teacher stood on the podium and students reached to the right in half-moon. My shoulders relaxed. "O.K.," I said, "I'll be back for the 10:15 class."
I'd like to say, "that was that!" But it wasn't. I was hot, breathless, uncomfortable. I had no control over my breath and that meant my mind/body connection was minimal. I was competitive and pushy with myself. And inconsistent -- doing an intensive practice with doubles, and when I traveled I avoided returning for weeks or months. But that was my process and I needed to respect it as I worked through my ambivalence. I created a mantra when I practiced breath control -- breathe in love and forgiveness, breathe out fear and judgment; inhale love and forgiveness, exhale fear and judgment -- and was stunned how much this calmed me.
Five or six months into my practice Stacey suggested I do a 60-day challenge. But it just didn't seem like fun. I'd done competitive sports in my youth, and doing a 60-day challenge felt like turning my practice into a competition. So I said, "no." Stacey respected that and backed off. That was key. It helped me respect my own process in the yoga room, and it let me know that the teachers respected my process.
Over the next year or so, I worked on my breath control. It was critical to keep my mind in touch with my body to prevent another injury. And it has helped me stay calm while I work through my injury. I also started to enjoy the insights I was developing during the practice. Like when I realized how much energy was tied up in my jaw. The more I released my jaw, the more energy I had available throughout my body. And, best of all, as I have deepened my practice, my sense of community has deepened. It's been a wonderful surprise, particularly since I had accepted the possibility that it would not happen here and I would have to travel to visit friends and family to fill up on connections. I still love to travel to see loved ones, but now have a place I can fill up here. And that, in turn, has made the practice more fun.
When I returned from my two-week Christmas break, I returned to my practice immediately. A first for me. And when I discovered that Jeanenne was doing a 60-day challenge, I decided to join her. Just for fun. I now take my practice seriously, but not too seriously. I play with my buds during the spine-strengthening series. Even looking forward to that part of the practice -- something I couldn't have even imagined a year ago. I'm still not able to go on the long runs I used to love. And I remain an indoor cat in the Texas summers. But I am a happy, healthy and calm one. And that's pretty cool.
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