I have been around the studio since November of its first year. I loved it from the beginning, but it was a love/hate relationship. I would practice, be tired, feel great, and then 4 to 6 hours later get a migraine. I kept pushing, trying harder, thinking I just needed to get past it. I tried coming more often. I tried coming less often, but I couldn't find the answer. So, I took a break from it thinking that even though I loved it, loved the place, the people it must not be right for me if it keeps causing such pain.
The one thing I could never stop was coming to Advanced BodyWork. So, I still had some connection with the studio. However, I would feel guilty when I'd see Stacey or the other instructors. Eventually, I would feel the pull so strongly that I'd decide to start again, then again and again. During all of this I was also exploring other health areas to try to find solutions. I changed my diet (many, many times). I used all sorts of supplements. I read copious books trying to fix myself because something must obviously need fixing. Some things seemed to work for a while, but nothing was "the fix". So I continued in this vein for years.
Now one thing I did learn along the way is that each of us is on our own unique path and what became relevant and essential for me will not be the same for everybody or maybe even anybody else. You'll have to pardon me for getting a bit dreamy here, but I do believe that God, the Universe or whatever you like to call the Source of Life and Love had been tapping me on the shoulder trying to get my attention for some time. I felt it, but never seemed to look in the right direction. So, I guess it became necessary to knock me over the head.
Last May my husband of 19 years came to me and said it was over. No, we couldn't talk about it. No, we couldn't get counseling or anything else to try to save it for ourselves or for our daughter. He was just done. I was completely surprised, but than again, not. I found that I could not fight with him, not for me, not for my daughter. This decision ended up being such a blessing. We were able to end it quickly, amicably and fairly. Which even though there was lots of pain and fear involved, in the end I can say it was an incredible gift.
So, the divorce was final in October and I knew I needed healing physically, mentally and spiritually. I started feeling the tug from the studio, but I didn't want to fail again or feel more pain than was already in me. Upon much reflection, I decided that my ego was getting in the way. My thoughts were what I should be, not what I was just then and there. It was hard to admit, but I needed to let go, to listen only to my body and be guided by my spirit. I needed to respect and love me. Well, that does sound easy enough, but even as I write this months later, I have this niggling feeling of not being good enough and that this is just silliness.
However, in November 2007 I came back to Bikram Yoga Grapevine. So, what have I done differently? I gave in. Gave in to the heat, gave in to my body, gave in to my mind. I stopped fighting myself and just listened, just breathed. I was easy on myself for maybe the first time ever in my life. I didn't worry (much) when I'd need to sit out and take a break. I'd just use the time to practice being still and in the moment, feeling my mind and body, and just breathing. Each class I let go of expectations of what I did the day before or what I should be able to do by now or even what my friend next to me is doing. I am now practicing meditation while doing the yoga, and find that the time flies and the heat never comes to mind. This yoga is so powerful. I remember Stacey once saying how it was a cardio workout plus strength training plus flexibility plus a facial. I have to add that it's become my spiritual touchstone as well. I am so grateful for this place and that Stacey created this wonderful "House of Belonging" for all of us.
Namaste,
Kandis Klier Decker
