Accountants refer to it as "in the red" and economists call it "the law of diminishing returns." Whatever the phrase, when the drama, negativity and differing goals in a dating relationship outweigh the fun and positive feelings, it's probably time to break up. I used to be terrible at separating but in hindsight, it was definitely due to my own fears of being alone. Since I've gotten a better sense of myself, I'm also now getting a better idea of the kind of person I want to invest my time in and an even better idea of when to let go. That being said, it's still pretty dreadful.
First, you've got the final confrontation, itself. If you're very lucky, it's mutual and relatively painless and you can both go your separate ways without too much gnashing of teeth. More commonly, though, one party usually doesn't agree and is hurt, angry....possibly murderous. Even though there are occasional vengeful killings in the news, thankfully, most Bikram practitioners eschew violence and opt to do a few doubles instead. When I leave the studio after three hours in the heat, I can barely depress the gas pedal. Opening my lips to argue with a partner just isn't physically possible.
Second, there are the dreaded "belongings" that seem to be everywhere other than where I need them to exist. Clothing, books, toiletries...even the most obscure possession can become an argument when I'm trying to extricate myself delicately from someone's life. Somehow, I manage to come out on the losing end because I just don't want the extra negativity that comes with recovering my stuff. Over the years, men have walked off with more of my tools than I care to admit. Inevitably, I'll try to hang a picture and can't find the hammer or try to dismantle the "trap" in the bathroom sink with a kitchen knife because I can't find the wrench. I should probably date someone who works at Home Depot since I'm on a first name basis with most of the work force there. I'm also not above using UPS Ground to return items. Trust me, it's better than quibbling over minutiae. I've actually had an ex call and demand a bottle of tequila back!
Third, what do you do about the mutual friends who liked you as a "couple?" Try to assert yourself as a single and join them awkwardly as a third wheel? Answer their questions of "what went wrong" with vague references to mental health issues or too many children from too many previous marriages? It's exhausting. In my perfect world, friends and family would instantly know when and why I've broken up and would therefore never have to inquire...sort of like a Star Trek mind meld. My best female friend, Debbi, summed it up one day when we were dissecting yet another of my romantic mishaps over a bottle of wine. It's the universal "Girlfriend Rule" and it goes like this: "I only like your boyfriend/fiancée/husband as long as you do and once you're done with him, I'm also done. No questions asked." The rule is irrevocable and immediate which is why I love it. Some things in life just need to be understood and not explained.
Even though the actual act of splitting is difficult, there is one overriding positive outcome that never changes. It is the excitement of future possibility and for that, I am always grateful. I know that as brutal as an ending can be, I am always one step closer to choosing an even better partner. My sister, Paulette, loves to dredge up what I can only call "romantic spreadsheets" comparing two or sometimes three prior boyfriends. Her premise is that the most recent relationship is always better than the last and if I can't figure it out myself, she is always eager to point out how. "Boyfriend X was an alcoholic and never ate anything, Boyfriend Y was a complete carnivore and this past one ate veggie burgers! Look how far you've come!"
Regardless of the emotional and physical fallout, I know that breaking up is a part of moving on and eventually loving someone else whose life will flow into mine more seamlessly. I'd rather spend eternity painting my own garage doors, mowing my own grass and power washing my front and back porches than settle for a partner who can't be trusted with my heart. My dream, though, is to find a worthy yogi who will gladly share these events with me and even have fun in the process. It's just a break up away!
