In the corner of my living room situated over the TV, are several hundred books. A visitor perusing through would find fiction by female authors, counseling books from my master's degree, a few children's books and quite a few non-fiction selections on some pretty unexpected subjects. Suspiciously absent are self-help books such as Smart Women, Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men and Avoiding the Wrong Ones.
As if the author's message isn't patronizing enough, the title, alone, is aggravating to me. I try not to be insulted as the author equates intelligence with choosing a great partner. I also just can't fathom why intelligence must automatically mean I'm not allowed to make a mistake or stumble my way painfully onto the solution at some point later. Frankly, psycho-babble books about dating and making good choices make me very cranky. How could any author (male or female) presume to have the slightest idea what it is like to be me and live my life? They don't know my childhood issues, my religious predilections or even my health concerns. All of these things and a huge number of other intangible factors figure into choosing who to go out with. It's not as simple as these "how to" books indicate.
Looking back over my dating life and the semi-disastrous drive-by marriage I survived, I can discern patterns. Depending on my self confidence at the time or the hobby I was involved in or maybe my inability to slow down and focus, the men in my life would similarly correspond. I dated the triathlete because I was also training and was completed focused on my physical self. We had killer pool sessions but the conversation lacked...shall we say...depth. The pharmaceutical salesman was cute in a dangerous sort of way but the bad boy aura I thought he was projecting was simply alcoholism in disguise. I had just finished a class in addiction and I can only guess I chose him as a project. My marriage was to a fellow writer whom I thought would be perfect because of our love for words. The relationship crumbled a year and a half later when I realized that neither one of us had the slightest inkling who we were and that I had chosen him with a persistent maternal time clock ticking in my head.
Though I have certainly had my share of roller coaster hook ups, I have also learned a great deal about my own psyche in the process and it wasn't from a self help book. I have learned to stop judging myself when a relationship ends and to instead think about what worked and then to strive to choose more of that in the next partner. My preferences are also constantly evolving just as I am constantly evolving. What I liked 10 years ago is vastly different from what I would choose today and my priorities are changing quicker than I can sometimes write about. When I started this column in May, I felt certain that a yoga lover would be a necessity. Today, I'm not so sure and have begun to realize that what makes me happy doesn't necessarily have to make my partner jump for joy. A chameleon for a boyfriend doesn't ultimately garner my respect yet someone who is a polar opposite probably wouldn't work out either. The best discovery has been that most dates have been about putting one foot in front of the other and then finding out something new about Kathryn when the evening was over.
Dating is a delicate tight rope walk between my heart and mind and no book on this planet is going to have a blueprint that will cut any corners. The wisdom of my experiences, the self forgiveness as I move on and the ability to respect and even celebrate the differences in the men I meet are key to ultimately finding a permanent partner. I wouldn't trade my crazy dating experiences for any amount of safe stay-at-home evenings that plenty of my girlfriends choose. When they look at me and shake their heads and wonder how I find the energy to meet yet another person, I smile back and respond that it's all just practice. Whether it's the 26 postures I do in the Bikram room every day or the next date I find myself on in the future. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be willing to learn.
