Fat is not the only thing that Bikram yoga unearths and then burns. Besides the calorie burning, heart pumping, cardio session within each class, there are hidden emotional "layers" that come to the surface eventually. Even for the most hardened cynics among us, the "emotional luggage" as some call it, arrives one day when you're least expecting it.
Knock, Knock. I'm that childhood experience you thought you shoved to the back of your mind and told yourself never really mattered. Ding Dong. I'm the series of bad decisions you made 10 years ago and tried to justify away. There's no point in trying to build mental walls to keep the unresolved issues at bay. When you get past the initial sheer physical challenge of twisting your body into 26 postures in a 105 degree room, your mind begins to wake up and realize that this might be a really good time to work on some "old stuff" that's been cluttering up the hallways of your psyche.
The "emotional spring cleaning" really gets interesting when you start a 60 day challenge. I recently started my second one and spent the first four days bumping into walls aggravated at everyone and everything. I was maddest at the person I cared most for...my best friend...yet I had only the vaguest of ideas as to why. My inner common sense or "yoga sensibility" told me he couldn't be the reason for my bitter feelings because he hadn't been anything but kind and compassionate during the first four days (as he always is.) Nevertheless, I was short tempered when he and I talked and I observed an underlying feeling of wanting to run as far and as fast as I could from him.
The huge difference in my composure in the yoga room this year versus last year is the perspective I've gained after studying Buddhist principles. The theories stress that we are the conscious presence behind our feelings but not actually part of them. As I rode the rollercoaster of angst recently, this time I didn't fight it. I observed that I felt angry, knew that the reason must be somewhere inside me and just waited. It didn't take long. On the fifth day of the challenge when I was walking out of the grocery store and feeling like I wanted to ram my grocery cart into the side of some random stranger's car, I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to apologize. I called my best friend, told him I was sorry that an evil alien life force had taken over my personality and then just as suddenly, the words came tumbling out. The layers melted and at the end of the conversation (me talking, him listening), it was over and I was done. It was never about him and instead, all about me and my hidden issue that had shame and guilt attached to it.
I am a counselor during the day and have no problem listening to and helping teenagers, parents and teachers get in touch with their feelings. I'd like to think that I am somewhat enlightened when it comes to my own feelings but I've found it's the warmth and routine of Bikram yoga that are responsible for the deeper "excavation" of my "mental suitcases." The act of being present in the room forces me to be present in my personal life, too, and THAT is the start of change...the thing we seek as Bikram students but ultimately fear as a process. In the meantime, I'm eagerly awaiting the next mental duffle bag that comes to the surface during this challenge. I just hope my best friend can weather it!
